Dear Raiford Starke:
April 14, 2000

Well, here I am, Raiford Starke and I'm in the dog house. My girlfriend Lowella is screaming at me to clear the hallways in our house. You see, there are these large bags of U.S. Mail everywhere and I admit, I've been a little lax in answering my fan mail. So here goes.

Dear Raiford:

Why do you wear that big, black hat?

June Tiger
Hollywood

Truth is, It's to hide those beautiful golden locks of blond hair that grow all over the top of my head that chicks go crazy over. Especially the German ones. It just became too much for my Lowella, who became rather uncomfortable with all the extra female attention I was getting. So to appease her and keep all womankind under control, I leave my hat on!

Dear Raiford:

So really, why do you wear that big, black hat?

Rhonda Roff
Boca Raton

Gosh, my fans just won't let that one go, will they? You really want to know the truth? Well, okay, now that you've asked me, here goes: It's really to make me appear taller, and by golly, it works! You see, I'm really only five feet, two inches tall. . .

Dear Raiford:

So what's your take on the whole Elian controversy?

Ray Beccera
Hialeah

Controversy? I didn't know there was a controversy, but now that you've asked me, here goes: To tell you the truth, I OD'd on this Elian stuff a long time ago. I mean, look at the pattern here: First you have Elian, then you got yer Elian II and so on. I mean, can anyone stop this thing, and what else has Sigourney Weaver really done in the last 20 years?

Dear Raiford:

You seem to be a bit disturbed. Were you abused as a child?

Pat Wickman
Big Cypress

Well now, that seems to be a rather personal question, but now that you've asked me, here goes: I don't have any memory of any real abuse as a child. I mean, we grew up right next door to a radioactive waste dump just on the edge of Starkansaw, because my daddy Alcatraz Starke believed in having a nuclear family. So, I don't believe I've suffered any abuse in this life, but previous lives are a different story. I remember one day I was sitting on a park bench, checking out the college basketball scores in the sports page, when I looked up and saw this sign by the lake that said, "Warning: Please don't feed or molest the alligators." That right there must have triggered one of those "past life regressions," for when I went to sleep that night, I had this strange dream that I was an alligator in a previous life - one of them Florida 'gators, and I must have been in ancient Greece because I was being molested by Spartans!

-- Raiford Starke is a South Florida blues musician.

© April 14, 2000, The Seminole Tribune